Embraced in Wings

On the shores of that silent beach,
Stars faraway we were a watching.

In nothing but a blink of an eye,
Clouds gather and put the stars a hiding.

The torrent stirs with lashing winds,
Sea spray or perhaps raindrops a pelting.

Still we stare to the ocean black,
Without a care of the world a wanting.

Violent winds bring water and sand,
On our skin it scrapes with a hurting.

It is here I envelop you,
With my wings and arms an embracing.

As the storm rages from the calm,
 I stand steadfast to keep you a shielding.

Storm passes leaving gentle rain,
Mere raindrops that leaves us a drenching.

Quickly it came and so it went,
Nothing left but us there a standing.

And still you lie in my embrace,
Gentle flame of warmth an emanating.

Soon you are restored whole again,
And down the path we go a walking.

To where it leads a mystery,
Away from these wings where I watch a wishing.

Voices

An extended soliloquy,
A muse of my paramour,
What will never be,
Tainted forevermore.

From the Fragments of a Shattered Mind...

"...and so the twists of life has robbed us of our youth..."

"...there lies a pain more than unrequited love; that of love unconsummated..."

"...we are but complex, nothing more, nothing less..."

"...no more hope, but only desire to hold and caress..."

"...the knowledge of the eventuality of where this leads us renders that which is finite all the more bittersweet... "

"...detours that lead ever so close but not meet..."

"...kindred spirits of the starlight and rustling leaves..."

"...that we know the failings of each other is but one and the same of those which we love and hope never change..."

Proseac: Random quotes. Inspired.

It will be 4 A.M.

Still I wait.

Counting Down

T - 30 Minutes:
Am thinking to myself how amazing the last few days were for me. Never in my life would I imagine sharing this moment with you in this bed, in this place and after all this time. Staring out at the ceiling and then turning my eyes to the clear blue skies outside the window, this sense of serenity is made full with you in my arms. There is nothing in the world that matters anymore. For these few moments, there is nothing else in my world except you, me, the bed and the blue skies above us. If only time would just stop and we can have this moment forever...

T- 25 Minutes:
Am now remembering what a night it was before. Our very first kiss, 17 years in the making. The sweetest kiss that I've ever savored. Why did it take so long to come full circle? No matter. I'd rather be there when the circle comes round even if it takes an eternity than for nothing at all.

T - 20 Minutes:
Am now thinking why'd we refrained the night before to make beautiful love? Did I worry that it would probably be too messy afterwards? No. The reason was far simpler. For the simple reason that I do love you, more deeply than you understand or know. I sense that you are fragile still. I do really want to but I cannot. I do not want to be the one who comes, takes and leaves like that. Do you understand me? I'm so sorry.

T - 15 Minutes:
You're there now lying there and listening to my heartbeat and taking a deep breath with your nose on my neck. I closed my eyes as I hear you say that you will remember my scent. For a moment I almost cried but you would never know. For a moment, I wonder to myself, if that is all that you will have to remember me by? We never had much to remember by all these years. Maybe this was good.

T - 10 Minutes:
Am now looking at you and slowly absorbing every detail I see. Those fine lines beneath your eyes. Signs of age, weariness and pain. Life has taken such a toll on both you and I. For a while my heart aches. Can I smoothen those lines and make everything alright? Felt my heart twitch. You say you've never expected yourself to be so attached to me. I smiled and held you closer more.

T-5 Minutes:
Time bleeds away. Our time is coming to an end. I remember you saying how I am someone so faraway yet so close and that you cannot bear to hold my hands for more than just a moment. I think I understand. I am sorry for not leaving you with more beautiful memories.

T-1 Minute:
We catch on for our final kiss, with the knowing that, when this moment is over we will go back to our lives and this moment will stay as it is - a beautiful memory in our minds. As our lips part away for the last time, I sense the walls that we've built up over the last few moments come crumbling down. The weight of the world is heavy once more.

T-Now:
With my head to the door as I walk out slowly. Here I leave behind my most beautiful memories of a love that would never be. With a deep breath I let go.
With a smile I thank you for this beautiful moment that will be in my memories for as long as I live.


Proseac: To my very first love, thank you for this magic moment of my life.

My New Journey to Where I Once Began

Well it has been quite a long while since my century of posts. I suppose much have transpired and things moved quite a bit since I last felt the urge to finally write something. I suppose, life turned a little for the better these days, which is great for the real life me, but a snag for my writing alter ego. It seems like there just ain't much to write about when one ain't depressed.

Tough!

Of I.Q. Scores and Century of Posts

Wow. It's been quite a long road for this sullen little corner. A century of (that's 100) posts already.
What better way to touch it off by showing my I.Q scores issued to me after my attempt at their I.Q tests?

Alright, so it's issued to me by some dubious organization (i.e. Tickle) and I seriously doubt I will be able to use this cert for any other purpose than to satisfy my own little ego. I don't think I will be appending this to my resume anytime soon.

So it says I have an I.Q of 133 (fully furnished with the bequeathing look of an honor scroll and 'Phd Certified' stamp to boot). A quick check of the scores over the Internet says, that there are less than 5% of the world population with this I.Q. score (the average I.Q range is 110 or so). Which means... I should be pretty smart!

Funny that I should feel stupid most of the time.

The irony of life. Bah.

My *Bleeping* Resolution (Or Thereabouts)

You know the thing about New Years. I have had a couple of decades worth already. (Yes, a couple. Seriously.) When I was way younger, I've never realized the significance of a New Year, not until I was in high-school at least. Even then, New Year has always been just the zenith of parties, where Xmas was just the penultimate teaser. Strangely, this philosophy of mine is still stuck with me.

As I am much older now, and have started to integrate myself to life as an adult (Integrations sometimes come with teething and occasional failings), the New Year thing is something else to me these days. Just like how at some similar point last year, the change of years is, to me, a bookend of sorts, finally closing a chapter that was last year.

So I was at a party (to me, anywhere with drinks and loud music, with people that I kinda like hanging out with and the fact that I can actually laugh is a party. Actual location is... unimportant) and someone brought up this interesting topic that I forgot a long time ago... that the New Year always comes along with the customary 'Resolution'. And to think that I've forgotten all about it!

THE NEW YEAR RESOLUTION.
A must have. A symbolic thing that gives us a focus. A yardstick to measure ourselves and where we are going eventually throughout the year.

In my personal opinion, a rather futile and naive gesture. Heck, I think it is still fun nonetheless. To challenge myself to a couple of stupid resolutions that I am certain I won't make any head-way on. So.... in the spirit of fun and all that is dumb, here are my resolutions for year 2007:

1. To attempt to put all the mush in this blog into a room and stuff it. (Stuffed Mush-Rooms. Geddit? Ha Ha. Ha. Er.. Okay that was lame.)
2. To either be able to sleep properly OR contribute myself as another statistic to 'sleeping pill users'.
3. To finally take up some liabilities from the bank and enter the stage of 'moaning about paying bank loans'.
4. To be able to fight for the things worth fighting for. People or otherwise. I think I have been laying dormant for more than is beneficial.
5. To be able to actually keep a resolution. If I fail... well... what can I say, there is always next year.

So for all people out there. It is good enough to just make Resolution Nombre Cinco and keep it. The rest... as they say is just formality.

Cheers and happy 2007.

Another December

It's been six years. I can't say that for those past years, that I have thought about you day in and out. I must admit that there are times that I've forgotten just how much you mean to me.

Sometimes, these state of forgetfulness is a kind of relief for me. For a while, I forget and I try to move on. I move on to different relationships with different people. I just grit my teeth and keep on moving forward. Sometimes, I try to change. I try to change myself in the hope that I change the the perceptions of things and people that I care for and love. I always manage to succeed in my process of self denial and self numbing, but I never manage to keep up my success for long. It always falls back to square on.

I know I fail terribly and I know that my success was temporary, if not an illusion. How do I know? It's in those times of semi-consciousness and half-drunkenness, that you just jump right back out at me from th depths of my mind. You break all the walls that I've painfully built up as easily as how the sandcastles crash under the weight of the seas. I crumble.

Friends ask me, why don't I try to win you back?

Honestly, I don't know. Perhaps I am just a coward by nature. I won't ever know how you will react to me again. What if the answer was no? What if I lost you again and lose whatever little that I have of you left with me now? After all, it was messy as it was six years ago. You will probably never believe me again. I understand, how difficult it is to erase the shadow of doubt. Something always remains. It took me six years to realize, that if someone remains in my mind for so many years, then I am pretty sure that person means a lot to me. Yeah, I am slow, but I got it now.

It hurts. I hurts like hell.

It hurts every time I hear you say that you are in love with someone else. Not that my blessings for you were not sincere, as even if I ever was a hypocrite, it was myself that I was deceiving. How else can a soul as torn as mine were to react?

It's another December. Six years ago, that December, was what I regret most.

Imagine Immortality

I was a man.
As a young steed I lived.
Fast, hard and reckless.
Exquisite,
Elegant,
Exorbitant,
In excess.

Death I have denied many times.
Only in youth would I dream of living forever.
And that was what I sought.

In a perverse nightmare,
On a moonless night,
He came to tempt.
He only stole a kiss,
The dance of his lips left an eternal stain.
He laughed,
At this prey entrapped.
He perversed me then he left.

And time passes tempering me daily.
Friends and family withered before me as I lay ageless.
Some die with sorrow and pity for me.
Others flee my abomination.
Truly, I am alone.

And love?
Every love I ever had pierced me deeply as they died.
Everything I have ever longed for perished with time.
Everything changes.
Everything but me.
Truly, I exist alone.

I watched as greatness happened.
I lingered in the destruction.
I watched as revolution began.
I lingered to savour the materials that ground to dust.
I lived many lives through many names.
How much more to go?
How long more to go?

And still I exist.
Yes, even today.
In my isolation I am watching.
Watching you, though you may not know it.
My only comfort is that hollowness within me.
An emptiness left void.
By my undeath.

And many more will be like me,
Seeking that which I have sought.

If you think that to suffer is humanity,
Have you ever imagined immortality?

Riffle Pass

This is something that I was able to do during my free time. Enjoy.

Riffle Pass with Single Face Up Card


Riffle Pass with All Cards Faced Up



Riffle Pass with All Cards Faced Down


Pardon the picture quality though. I am too poor ro own a decent cam.

Less Means More

Don't mind me for the night, as this is just a casual rant. A rant over some casual observation that became a muse/comedy (or tragedy, you decide) in my head.

Ever notice how the world is so upside down and inside out these days? Yep, we're living in a place where less means more.

The smaller the electronic gadget, the more expensive you are expected to pay for it. Okay, so I understand the part where to be technologically advanced, someone must of have invested huge amounts of money in order to shrink them gadgets as tiny as possible. Hence, the ridiculous price of the teeny gadget we find ourselves paying for sometimes.
What people mostly don't realize, is the fact that the primary motive for them to shrink things, is so that they get to produce things cheaper with less material used in production.
In short? We're being ripped off!

How about this next thing I've noticed. Short catchphrases and cliches carry more weight in meaning than a hundred word narrative. Yes, I recognize it as the marketing sham of creating something deliciously easy for our heads to munch and leave gooey stains all over our brains. We can't seem to get away.
Think about how short phrases like 'I love you' or 'Fuck you!' or 'Now what?' when shoved in your face really sets your senses racing all over.

If you are like me, and go to a regular boutique coffee place like Starbucks, you will notice how an Espresso, served in a teeny cup costs you 5 bucks, but a Quadruple shot Americano (that is FOUR shots of Espresso with a little bit of hot water filled in) doest not cost you 20 bucks.
Must be a really chic thing to drink outta the teeny-wintsy cup, that is if chic means stupid.

The ultimate bit of my enlightenment was when I saw a pricelist where 'Diet Coke' costs more than the regular 'Coke'. Now this truly baffles me. 'Diet Coke' is supposed to contain everything that the regular 'Coke' has, but less in sugar right?
So this is saying, that there is something with less ingredient in it, but it would cost you more. (And not that it tastes any better too).
It is like saying serving a Single-Patty (Diet) Burger will definitely cost you more than the regular Double-Patty Burger.
Moral of the story? Serve less, put the 'Diet' word in the name of the product and hawk it off for more profit.

How the world works these days truly amazes and confuses me at the same time.

I wonder, if since less means more, then... more must mean less right?

Apparently, the latter will only be held true in my fat dreams. Hah.

Angels?

This was something that happened to me two years ago, right during the time when Joe, a good friend of mine, was still in hospital. The doctor said he didn't have much time to live. I remembered feeling like dirt back then.

Marlene decided to call our relationship to an end. Marlene and I had a tumultous relationship that went like a roller-coaster. Marlene was as fiery a woman that a man can love and such was it that I always found myself burnt. Marlene was also Joe's wife-to-be. The whole thing that happened to Joe was too much guilt for her to carry on stealing away with me. Everything just ended in an abrupt thud.

Since then, Joe passed on and Marlene disappeared from my life. This story though is not about Joe. That is another story altogether for another time. This story is not about Marlene either. Perhaps, this is my story, but I take it that it is more of the story of Timmy.

Timmy was the boy I met at the hospital during that tough period in my life. I was standing by the coffee dispensing machine waiting for my coffee to be served. As with every other piece of technology, things have the tendency to fail. My coffee didn't come (though the coins I've deposited were never returned), I was smashing the machine with my bear hands and tears were just flowing down my face. Perhaps it was the guilt of the entire confusing episode or maybe it was the pain and frustration of losing someone I loved but could and should never have owned in the first place.

I don't rightly remember what made me cry. I do remember though, the image of Timmy standing there watching silently at my stupidity of hammering the machine and crying like a baby. I remembered stopping my thrashing and turning around to look at him as I realized his presence and trying hard to choke back my tears at the same time.

If the scene was frozen in time, it would be worth a million dollars. An adult crying and thrashing a piece of junk technology that failed, and a kid staring calmly in bewilderment. Ironic is life, or so they say.

Under usual circumstances, I would've asked the kid to fuck off and quit staring. What happened however was hardly under usual circumstance. Besides, Timmy looked like a wreck. There were bruises all over his little body, visible signs of burns at random places on his skin and he was patched with iodine over one eye. I just couldn't have the heart to take it out on him.

'Here. Ya can have mah' drink if it makes ya feel better. Itiz hot chocolate. Hot chocolate always make me feel better.'

I was left speechless and I was left staring at him for what seems like forever.

'Go on. Itiz awright. Nurse Allison will bring more if ah asked her later.'

He flashed a bright upbeat smile while extending his little arm to hand me the paper cup. I noticed that he probably had broken bones in a couple of places. His little arm looks to be a little bit out of shape. His lips were grotesquely broken and was sporting a couple of lost teeth.

Must be the victim of a car crash, I said to myself.

In silence, I took his offer and held the drink in my hands. I took a gentle sip while looking away from the boy. The chocolate was still warm. After composing myself, I spoke.

'What's your name kid?'

'Ah'm Timothy Grant, but people call me Timmy.' he said warming up to the conversation, 'and that is Timothy for short.'

I nodded, while taking more sips from the paper cup. I really didn't know what else to say to him.

'Ah'll be going back tuh bed now. Nurse Allison always says I shoun't be walking too much.' He flashes his grotesque grin at me yet again and turned tail to slowly trod his way back to bed, half limping and half dragging his broken leg behind him.

I pondered for a moment, before calling out,

'Hey, Timmy.'
As he turned his head, I said, 'I think, I'll walk you back to bed.'

He looked happy and nodded. We chatted a little bit as we made our way to his bed.

'How old are you Timmy?'
'Ah'm four this year. I am gonna turn five soon.'
'So why are you here in the hospital?'
'Ah don't really remember. The doctor said ah hit my head real hard somewhere. There are some stuff that ah cannot remember fer a while...He said it was normal.'
'Where are your parents Timmy?'
'Ah've never seen Pappa. Mamma says he's gone away for a long long time and is not coming back. Uncle Al keeps us company mosta the time.'

Timmy's bedspace was situated in the the common room. I've never quite liked hospital common rooms. Bedspace littered everywhere. The sound of the ill and hurting. The smell of medicine in the air. The stuffy environment and the only place in the entire hospital that is hardly quiet. I pity Timmy for needing to put up with this. Something gave inside of me that day.

'Tell you what Timmy. I'll be coming over to the hospital quite often. I'll visit you whenever I am here yeah?'

With that, I made a little stranger smile that day. Maybe life is more than just me. Just maybe.

Weeks and then months passed by. I would stop by the hospital every day or two. I spent more time with Timmy than I had originally intended to. Sometimes I would stay till the night, and tell him bed-time stories. I would also teach him how to read from the newspaper that I've brought with me. Other times, I would sneak Chupa-Chups along to Timmy when the nurse wasn't watching. Like two gleeful boys getting away with some forbidden fruit. We giggled and laughed. I think what made me really glad was that my company kept little Timmy happy.

I felt like I was worth something. I was special to someone who needs me. I guess I ain't the worm that I thought I was. I have not felt like this for a long long time.

'Why do people read the newspaper so much?' asked Timmy
'Well Timmy, the newspaper reports about important things. Things that people should know.'
'So stuff that is in the newspaper is important?'
'Yeah, pretty much so. It's mostly lousy news that adults have to deal with, but you are right, it is important because it reminds us that we cannot run away from our problems. The good thing is, the newspaper also writes about happier things. It keeps people happy for a while.'
'Gee... it sounds tough to be a grown up huh?'

The weight of that last sentence struck me for a while.

'Yeah, it is, but it is okay.'
'But why does it have to be so tough?'
'Well... have you heard of the story of how God created humans?' I asked

Timmy shook his head.

'It started a long time ago, God created everything you see here in this world. The world isn't quite like what it is that you see today. It was a lot more beautiful. Man however, didn't appreciate what God made. They were naughty and disobeyed the instructions of God. So, God chased them out of the beautiful Garden and that is when things got really bad.'
'So God is punishing humans for being naughty?'
'Yep. Something like that, but God loves us still. He sends angels to watch over us. Do you know what angels are?'

Timmy shook his head again.

'Angels are beautiful creations. They look like humans, but they have wings. Angels have all sorts of duties, like sending messages of God to humans and a lot of other things.'
'Wow....Do you think I would ever see an angel?'

'Maybe,' I smiled, 'if you are a good boy and grow up to be a good man. You may see an angel one day.'

Timmy nodded.

'Okay Timmy, I have to go now. It's almost bedtime for you. Tuck into bed now and I will see you tomorrow okay?'
'Yessiree! I will be a good boy. I hope the angel won't forget me.'
'I am sure it won't.' I said with a smile.

I tucked Timmy into bed and walked silently out the room not long after he fell asleep. As I was making my way out, I was stopped by a nurse.

'Hi. I'm Allison. I've noticed you visiting Timmy for quite a while...'
'Yeah. Poor kid. What happened to him? Where are his parents? I've never seen them around for as long as I was around..' I started rambling.
'So I take it that you are not related to Timmy then?'
'Nah.. My friend, Joe is in the same hospital. Virtually dead man walking from all his excesses in life. Timmy happened to me by chance.'
'Oh.. I am really sorry to hear that. How is your friend doing?'
'Give and take, maybe a month more to live. Say, what time do you go off work anyway?'
'Me? In about half-an-hour or so. I am on early shift today.Tomorrow is a late day for me.'
'Great. How 'bout talking over coffee and sandwich at the cafeteria?'
'Sure. See you there in half?'
'Yeah. Sounds about good.'

Fourty-five minutes later, Allison and myself were dunking donuts into coffee in the cafeteria. We talked about life and everything else that was apt over a snack in the hospital cafeteria in the middle of the night.

'Timmy is a bright kid with a sad story to tell,' I muttered casually. 'I am seriously wondering where the parents are at. It has been a month and no sight nor sound?'
'Well.. It is a tragedy really. Timmy doesn't have much longer to live. He is diagnosed with a rare kind of blood disease. It saddens me to see this sort of thing happen.'
'What?!' I exclaimed. 'Does he know this? Does his parents know this? Where the fuck are they? Don't they care?'
'Timmy doesn't know it yet, and he has forgotten how he got in here in the first place. What I do know is this. Timmy was brought into the hospital by the police. Fishy if you asked me.'

A four year old kid, brought into the hospital by the cops bruised and battered? Where was all this leading?

'Are you alright?' asked Allison.
'Yeah,' I replied suddenly snapping out of my thoughts.
'Well, the good thing is that Timmy is still ignorant from all of this. It is probably a blessing that he does not remember. It makes it so much easier for him.'

I nodded in silence. I walked Allison to the taxi stand. Right before she boarded her cab, she turned to tell me with a reassuring smile, 'You are a good man, Matt. Maybe, we can hang out some other time.'

I remembered taking a long slow and ponderous walk down the road. I don't remember if I had actually made it home that day.

My visits to Timmy got a lot more frequent. As I was teaching him to read the newspaper one day, he pointed at some mugshots in the news.

'Hey! That's Mamma, and that's Uncle Al'
'Are you sure?'
'Yeah! See? That is Mamma,' he said pointing at a woman, 'and that is Uncle Al. Why are they in the newspaper? Are they doing anything impor'ant.'

The news read :
"CHILD ABUSERS FOUND GUILTY".
"12th Dec - After a month of deliberation, Maria Estelle Grant and Albert Sommerby Cuthbert were each found guilty of child abude and sentenced to 12 months and 18 months in jail respectively. The victim, a 4-year old..."

I was stunned silent. I didn't know what to make of it.

'So what does it say?' Timmy asked excitedly.
'You really don't remember anything at all about what happened to you Timmy?'
'No... Ah don remember. I tried to remember but it hurts mah head when I think too hard...'
'Anyway...It...' I stammered '... says that they have won some award, for being good people..'
'Wow. That is great! Ah'm so happy for Mamma. I guess that is why she is not here visiting me. She must be busy being impor'ant and all with Uncle Al too..'

I didn't know what to say. I just nodded in silence. In my head I can imagine the pain that Timmy had gone through. I can imagine his head being hit so hard, now that he can't recall the pain. I can imagine the burning cigarette being stubbed out on his flesh. I can hear Timmy screaming and pleading for them to stop. God knows what else the poor boy had to go through?

The cruelty sickened me. How could they do this to a dying boy? When I left Timmy that day, I left with a lot of anger in me. I was angry for Timmy. I was angry at myself for having to lie to Timmy. Perhaps what Allison said to me that night is true. It may just be a blessing that he don't remember.

Days came and went. I visited Timmy virtually everyday. By the third month, Timmy's situation was deteriorating day by day. He was bed-ridden, on a respirator and his face was as pale as sheet.

'How you doing there lil' champion?' I asked meekly.
'A'hm..okay ah guess..'
'Don't worry now. You will get better. The doctors will make you all better in a jiffy.'

Timmy said nothing but smiled. Deep inside, I think he knows. I felt the tears coming up my eyes again.

'Coul' ya tell me more about angels?' asked Timmy. His voice this time was barely a whisper.
'Sure buddy.' I said holding back my tears.
'Angels are beautiful and are servants of God. They have majestic wings and flowing robes of the finest cloth. Some of them are of higher rank, kind of like group leaders. These angels are called Seraphims. There are also other junior angels like the Principality. Each of them have their jobs to do.'
'Why are angels created?'
'They are created to serve God, but let me tell you a little secret.' I said with a secret smile, 'Angels are actually created for us, humans. They are there to watch over and protect us. You have a guardian angel watching over you this very minute. And he is reporting to God about what a good boy you have been. He is also going to protect you from harm.'

Timmy's eyes brightened for a moment.

'Really? You think that an angel is here?'
'Yeah little champ. So you have got to be strong and not be naughty yeah?'
'Ah'm strong Matt. Ah really am. See? Ah'm not crying. And Ah'm not naughty. Nuh-uh. Ah'm a good boy.'
'I think so too Timmy, and I am sure the angel sees it too.'

Timmy looked at me for a while.

'Do you think the angel will take me with him one day Matt? Take me an' leave this place?'

I was at a loss for words. I really didn't know what to say. My gut feeling tells me that he definitely knows that he's dying.

'Yes, I am sure he will. You are an angel at heart.' I replied with a soft smile.

Two weeks had passed since then. By now, Timmy had shriveled down to a husk. His speech was barely a whisper.

'Matt. Last night, ah saw an angel.'
'Really?'

Timmy must be starting to be delusional, but I played along. Timmy deserves to be happy for what little moments left he had on this Earth.

'Yeah. He was beautiful, just like what you said, Matt. He said that ah could go with him real soon. He said, the place that we're going to is gonna be beautiful. Ah'm so happy Matt. Ah can't wait.'

I gently held his hands and looked at him.

'Ah asked him if I could bring you along too, but he says no. It made me sad Matt, but ah really wanna go with him. Ah really wanna. Can ah Matt? But ah don't want you to be sad.'
'It's okay Timmy. I won't be sad. I will be happy for you. If you are happy, I will be happy too.'
'Really?'
'Really.'

We were then silent for a while. I was struggling very hard to not cry out loud. Timmy broke the silence.

'Matt? Can you stay with me for a while? Stay longer than you used to stay and not go away?'

I nodded and said, 'I'll stay with you for as long as you want champ. I'll be here.'

'You know something Matt? Ah really would like to see Mamma again. I wanna tell her that I love her. Ah don't really like Uncle Al, but that is awright. Mamma was happy when Uncle Al was around. I guess if Mamma is happy, the I should be happy right? '

I really didn't know what else to say. I don't think Timmy will ever find out what really happened. I could just nod silently. Allison's words kept on ringing in my head; 'It's probably a blessing...'

Timmy fell asleep soon after and I was silently by his side. I think I must've drifted off to sleep myself not long after that because the next thing that happened to me was like a dream.

I saw a human-like figure walking towards Timmy and I. The figure was dressed in flowing robes of the finest cloth, with wings sprouting on its shoulder blade, tucked back back folded. I couldn't see it's face but it just walked slowly and purposefully towards us. I tried to move but I couldn't. I was in awe and could only find myself watching. The figure made it's way towards Timmy. It gently stroked his forehead. Timmy looked healthy and well again, no longer the shriveled husk of a child that I remembered.
Timmy got up and held the hand of the figure and smiled at it. Timmy then turned to me. He seemed happy, but sad at the same time. There was a wistful look in his eyes.

'Ah remember, Matt. Ah know all about Mamma now. Ah don't hate her. Ah still love her, but it doesn't matter anymore now. Thank you, Matt, fer everything. Ah'll miss you.'

Timmy waved me goodbye, turned and walked out of the room, hand-in-hand with the mysterious figure.
The figure turned it's face to look at me.

What I saw shocked me awake. The figure had a skull for its face. Death had come to reap.

When I was awake I was in tears. I felt a hollowness within me. Deep down inside I know that Timmy was gone. I was still in a daze when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Allison.

'Matt.. Timmy is...' she tried to break the news to me gently.
'I know. I saw it as it happened.'
'What? Weren't you asleep when I woke you?'

Alison looked confused and sad. I didn't explain it anymore because I didn't know how to.

I just cried.
For the most bitter time as an adult, I cried.

White Rose

The white rose bloomed | And she pierced her skin | She drew a deadly slit round her wrist | And let the blood flow | From the depths of her veins | To the petal of a rose in bloom | Each crimson droplet that falls | Flows her dreams and pain | Flows her sorrow and shame | Rich red droplets | Dripping crimson tearlets | Dyed the white rose red | Stains of life upon life | Engulfing white in the stream of her red | And the blood rose dried | And so too she died | And it will bloom for a while more | A while before | Only a little bit more

Noise of My Life

(It started with)

Cling-cling....Tappity-tap...Clutter....Moderate patch...Tap-tap-rappity-rap...Hard knock....Off beat....Oops...Kaching-kaching....Chuggidy-chuggidy-chug...Tiity-tutty...Tuttle-Fruttle...Missed one...Bad patch....Bad patch...Bad patch...More bad batch...and Even more bad batch...Worse patch....Must be the worst patch already!....Crash-boom-bang!!!....Dang....Dang...Dang...Ching...Ching... Things falling on the floor.... Swish-swish...Clean...Whooooooosh.....Upbeat....Tempo on the up.... Rat-a-tat-tat.....Boom-badabing.....Crescendo......Wheeeee!!!!!!!!!!

(wheeze...sigh...puff....)

Now what?

Feeling Macabre

In the beginning for each and every mortal of this earth, everyone has an invitation.
Some people misplaced it as they grew older.
Others simply forgot that they have been invited.
They carried on being kings and wise men.
They lived as princes
As paupers.
Everyone fought, fighting to carve a legacy.
People made peace and told themselves to be happy.
And they were full of pride....
And be they full of themselves.

Memento mori.
Remember your mortality.

The invitation will fly into your face when you least expect it.
Have you been caught, unaware?
You will have to come to the party.
You cannot refuse.

Study well, ars moriendi.
The step to this dance is an art.
Follow.
Follow.
Step by step.
No need to hurry.
No need to fret.
You have an eternity to get it right.
I promise.

Kings and beggars.
Fools and wise men.
What difference does it make?
When we gather, we are all equal.
When we dance again, we are all equal.
You and I
We are equal.
Equal in the Grand Danse Macabre.

Memento mori my friend. Memento mori.
We've all been invited.

It was on TV

I saw this on TV one night and it went something like this:

Scene (Boy and Girl walking along a very normal looking street in a very normal night)

While walking..

Girl : I think, lets just not see each other anymore... (in a very unsure tone)

Boy: Sure.. (in a very non-chalant tone)

Boy carries on walking not looking back as he walked on. Girl just turned tail and ran in the opposite direction.

Girl: (Screaming with traces of tear chokes) You've never loved me! Why did you went out with me in the first place?!

Boy: (In silence just carried on walking without answering)

Scene End.

For some reason, the scene is like a mirror that reflects that which had happened to me. Needless to say, this Boy had hurt the Girl real bad. The jerk that I am sometimes.

Taken?

I seem to hear this phrase a lot:
"Every guy/girl that is good is taken, everything else that's left is [fill in your own negative descriptions here]"

Now question is:
If all the good ones are taken, how come you are not the one doing the taking?

Answer probably goes along the line:
Probably your are quite rubbish too. Either that, or you are not good enough for the good ones.

Life sucks. I know.
Nonetheless, it is time to get real and smell the crap that life has in store for you.

Proseac: Yep. I know I am gonna offend a whole lotta people with this one. Tough, as I don't really give a bleedin fuck about it. Cheers.

Not Perfect (You Don't Have to Be)

Something about you,
You need not to be,
Kept me thinking,
Up all night in waking,
Something about you,
That made you for me.

Was it your crooked smile?
Maybe your dilated eyes?
Was it the scar on your brow?
Maybe your unwomanly figure?

It must've been your tempestuous temper.
It must've been your talentless voice.
It may of have been the way you lose yourself.
It may of have been the woman that you see yourself to be.

Blemished perfection,
Not the prettiest I have seen.
Flaw of character,
Not the most gentle or meek.
Tainted history,
Scattered with mistakes.
Seeing no future,
Where do you belong?

There was something about you,
You need not to be,
Perfect a woman
For a man like me.
Imperfection is simply not a shame,
For I still love you, simply all the same.

Fire from the Night Sky

Every night as I lay her down to sleep,
I pray to the Lord her soul she would keep.

Each night we lay in our beds with dread,
Would it be us tonight, that our lives should end?

Never understood the conflict and war.
What makes men take lives and more?

Watching my children asleep in their bed,
I cannot help my tears I shed.

Innocent they are not deserving this fate,
Of fires of men unleashing their hate.

Maybe the fires will rain upon us tonight,
And we will succumb to the state of our plight.

The morrow shall come and more lives then are lost,
Lives of the innocent for which war is the cost.

People will mourn for the lives which are gone.
Sadly the senseless war will just go on and on.

Proseac:
Sometimes I do wonder how do the civilans live in times of war? Each night, sleep comes along with fear. The sound of a shattering bomb rouses them from sleep just to count the casualties, many of whom are innocent of the conflict.
My stance on the situation in Israel and Lebanon now?

Stop the war. Please. No more war.