Angels?

This was something that happened to me two years ago, right during the time when Joe, a good friend of mine, was still in hospital. The doctor said he didn't have much time to live. I remembered feeling like dirt back then.

Marlene decided to call our relationship to an end. Marlene and I had a tumultous relationship that went like a roller-coaster. Marlene was as fiery a woman that a man can love and such was it that I always found myself burnt. Marlene was also Joe's wife-to-be. The whole thing that happened to Joe was too much guilt for her to carry on stealing away with me. Everything just ended in an abrupt thud.

Since then, Joe passed on and Marlene disappeared from my life. This story though is not about Joe. That is another story altogether for another time. This story is not about Marlene either. Perhaps, this is my story, but I take it that it is more of the story of Timmy.

Timmy was the boy I met at the hospital during that tough period in my life. I was standing by the coffee dispensing machine waiting for my coffee to be served. As with every other piece of technology, things have the tendency to fail. My coffee didn't come (though the coins I've deposited were never returned), I was smashing the machine with my bear hands and tears were just flowing down my face. Perhaps it was the guilt of the entire confusing episode or maybe it was the pain and frustration of losing someone I loved but could and should never have owned in the first place.

I don't rightly remember what made me cry. I do remember though, the image of Timmy standing there watching silently at my stupidity of hammering the machine and crying like a baby. I remembered stopping my thrashing and turning around to look at him as I realized his presence and trying hard to choke back my tears at the same time.

If the scene was frozen in time, it would be worth a million dollars. An adult crying and thrashing a piece of junk technology that failed, and a kid staring calmly in bewilderment. Ironic is life, or so they say.

Under usual circumstances, I would've asked the kid to fuck off and quit staring. What happened however was hardly under usual circumstance. Besides, Timmy looked like a wreck. There were bruises all over his little body, visible signs of burns at random places on his skin and he was patched with iodine over one eye. I just couldn't have the heart to take it out on him.

'Here. Ya can have mah' drink if it makes ya feel better. Itiz hot chocolate. Hot chocolate always make me feel better.'

I was left speechless and I was left staring at him for what seems like forever.

'Go on. Itiz awright. Nurse Allison will bring more if ah asked her later.'

He flashed a bright upbeat smile while extending his little arm to hand me the paper cup. I noticed that he probably had broken bones in a couple of places. His little arm looks to be a little bit out of shape. His lips were grotesquely broken and was sporting a couple of lost teeth.

Must be the victim of a car crash, I said to myself.

In silence, I took his offer and held the drink in my hands. I took a gentle sip while looking away from the boy. The chocolate was still warm. After composing myself, I spoke.

'What's your name kid?'

'Ah'm Timothy Grant, but people call me Timmy.' he said warming up to the conversation, 'and that is Timothy for short.'

I nodded, while taking more sips from the paper cup. I really didn't know what else to say to him.

'Ah'll be going back tuh bed now. Nurse Allison always says I shoun't be walking too much.' He flashes his grotesque grin at me yet again and turned tail to slowly trod his way back to bed, half limping and half dragging his broken leg behind him.

I pondered for a moment, before calling out,

'Hey, Timmy.'
As he turned his head, I said, 'I think, I'll walk you back to bed.'

He looked happy and nodded. We chatted a little bit as we made our way to his bed.

'How old are you Timmy?'
'Ah'm four this year. I am gonna turn five soon.'
'So why are you here in the hospital?'
'Ah don't really remember. The doctor said ah hit my head real hard somewhere. There are some stuff that ah cannot remember fer a while...He said it was normal.'
'Where are your parents Timmy?'
'Ah've never seen Pappa. Mamma says he's gone away for a long long time and is not coming back. Uncle Al keeps us company mosta the time.'

Timmy's bedspace was situated in the the common room. I've never quite liked hospital common rooms. Bedspace littered everywhere. The sound of the ill and hurting. The smell of medicine in the air. The stuffy environment and the only place in the entire hospital that is hardly quiet. I pity Timmy for needing to put up with this. Something gave inside of me that day.

'Tell you what Timmy. I'll be coming over to the hospital quite often. I'll visit you whenever I am here yeah?'

With that, I made a little stranger smile that day. Maybe life is more than just me. Just maybe.

Weeks and then months passed by. I would stop by the hospital every day or two. I spent more time with Timmy than I had originally intended to. Sometimes I would stay till the night, and tell him bed-time stories. I would also teach him how to read from the newspaper that I've brought with me. Other times, I would sneak Chupa-Chups along to Timmy when the nurse wasn't watching. Like two gleeful boys getting away with some forbidden fruit. We giggled and laughed. I think what made me really glad was that my company kept little Timmy happy.

I felt like I was worth something. I was special to someone who needs me. I guess I ain't the worm that I thought I was. I have not felt like this for a long long time.

'Why do people read the newspaper so much?' asked Timmy
'Well Timmy, the newspaper reports about important things. Things that people should know.'
'So stuff that is in the newspaper is important?'
'Yeah, pretty much so. It's mostly lousy news that adults have to deal with, but you are right, it is important because it reminds us that we cannot run away from our problems. The good thing is, the newspaper also writes about happier things. It keeps people happy for a while.'
'Gee... it sounds tough to be a grown up huh?'

The weight of that last sentence struck me for a while.

'Yeah, it is, but it is okay.'
'But why does it have to be so tough?'
'Well... have you heard of the story of how God created humans?' I asked

Timmy shook his head.

'It started a long time ago, God created everything you see here in this world. The world isn't quite like what it is that you see today. It was a lot more beautiful. Man however, didn't appreciate what God made. They were naughty and disobeyed the instructions of God. So, God chased them out of the beautiful Garden and that is when things got really bad.'
'So God is punishing humans for being naughty?'
'Yep. Something like that, but God loves us still. He sends angels to watch over us. Do you know what angels are?'

Timmy shook his head again.

'Angels are beautiful creations. They look like humans, but they have wings. Angels have all sorts of duties, like sending messages of God to humans and a lot of other things.'
'Wow....Do you think I would ever see an angel?'

'Maybe,' I smiled, 'if you are a good boy and grow up to be a good man. You may see an angel one day.'

Timmy nodded.

'Okay Timmy, I have to go now. It's almost bedtime for you. Tuck into bed now and I will see you tomorrow okay?'
'Yessiree! I will be a good boy. I hope the angel won't forget me.'
'I am sure it won't.' I said with a smile.

I tucked Timmy into bed and walked silently out the room not long after he fell asleep. As I was making my way out, I was stopped by a nurse.

'Hi. I'm Allison. I've noticed you visiting Timmy for quite a while...'
'Yeah. Poor kid. What happened to him? Where are his parents? I've never seen them around for as long as I was around..' I started rambling.
'So I take it that you are not related to Timmy then?'
'Nah.. My friend, Joe is in the same hospital. Virtually dead man walking from all his excesses in life. Timmy happened to me by chance.'
'Oh.. I am really sorry to hear that. How is your friend doing?'
'Give and take, maybe a month more to live. Say, what time do you go off work anyway?'
'Me? In about half-an-hour or so. I am on early shift today.Tomorrow is a late day for me.'
'Great. How 'bout talking over coffee and sandwich at the cafeteria?'
'Sure. See you there in half?'
'Yeah. Sounds about good.'

Fourty-five minutes later, Allison and myself were dunking donuts into coffee in the cafeteria. We talked about life and everything else that was apt over a snack in the hospital cafeteria in the middle of the night.

'Timmy is a bright kid with a sad story to tell,' I muttered casually. 'I am seriously wondering where the parents are at. It has been a month and no sight nor sound?'
'Well.. It is a tragedy really. Timmy doesn't have much longer to live. He is diagnosed with a rare kind of blood disease. It saddens me to see this sort of thing happen.'
'What?!' I exclaimed. 'Does he know this? Does his parents know this? Where the fuck are they? Don't they care?'
'Timmy doesn't know it yet, and he has forgotten how he got in here in the first place. What I do know is this. Timmy was brought into the hospital by the police. Fishy if you asked me.'

A four year old kid, brought into the hospital by the cops bruised and battered? Where was all this leading?

'Are you alright?' asked Allison.
'Yeah,' I replied suddenly snapping out of my thoughts.
'Well, the good thing is that Timmy is still ignorant from all of this. It is probably a blessing that he does not remember. It makes it so much easier for him.'

I nodded in silence. I walked Allison to the taxi stand. Right before she boarded her cab, she turned to tell me with a reassuring smile, 'You are a good man, Matt. Maybe, we can hang out some other time.'

I remembered taking a long slow and ponderous walk down the road. I don't remember if I had actually made it home that day.

My visits to Timmy got a lot more frequent. As I was teaching him to read the newspaper one day, he pointed at some mugshots in the news.

'Hey! That's Mamma, and that's Uncle Al'
'Are you sure?'
'Yeah! See? That is Mamma,' he said pointing at a woman, 'and that is Uncle Al. Why are they in the newspaper? Are they doing anything impor'ant.'

The news read :
"CHILD ABUSERS FOUND GUILTY".
"12th Dec - After a month of deliberation, Maria Estelle Grant and Albert Sommerby Cuthbert were each found guilty of child abude and sentenced to 12 months and 18 months in jail respectively. The victim, a 4-year old..."

I was stunned silent. I didn't know what to make of it.

'So what does it say?' Timmy asked excitedly.
'You really don't remember anything at all about what happened to you Timmy?'
'No... Ah don remember. I tried to remember but it hurts mah head when I think too hard...'
'Anyway...It...' I stammered '... says that they have won some award, for being good people..'
'Wow. That is great! Ah'm so happy for Mamma. I guess that is why she is not here visiting me. She must be busy being impor'ant and all with Uncle Al too..'

I didn't know what to say. I just nodded in silence. In my head I can imagine the pain that Timmy had gone through. I can imagine his head being hit so hard, now that he can't recall the pain. I can imagine the burning cigarette being stubbed out on his flesh. I can hear Timmy screaming and pleading for them to stop. God knows what else the poor boy had to go through?

The cruelty sickened me. How could they do this to a dying boy? When I left Timmy that day, I left with a lot of anger in me. I was angry for Timmy. I was angry at myself for having to lie to Timmy. Perhaps what Allison said to me that night is true. It may just be a blessing that he don't remember.

Days came and went. I visited Timmy virtually everyday. By the third month, Timmy's situation was deteriorating day by day. He was bed-ridden, on a respirator and his face was as pale as sheet.

'How you doing there lil' champion?' I asked meekly.
'A'hm..okay ah guess..'
'Don't worry now. You will get better. The doctors will make you all better in a jiffy.'

Timmy said nothing but smiled. Deep inside, I think he knows. I felt the tears coming up my eyes again.

'Coul' ya tell me more about angels?' asked Timmy. His voice this time was barely a whisper.
'Sure buddy.' I said holding back my tears.
'Angels are beautiful and are servants of God. They have majestic wings and flowing robes of the finest cloth. Some of them are of higher rank, kind of like group leaders. These angels are called Seraphims. There are also other junior angels like the Principality. Each of them have their jobs to do.'
'Why are angels created?'
'They are created to serve God, but let me tell you a little secret.' I said with a secret smile, 'Angels are actually created for us, humans. They are there to watch over and protect us. You have a guardian angel watching over you this very minute. And he is reporting to God about what a good boy you have been. He is also going to protect you from harm.'

Timmy's eyes brightened for a moment.

'Really? You think that an angel is here?'
'Yeah little champ. So you have got to be strong and not be naughty yeah?'
'Ah'm strong Matt. Ah really am. See? Ah'm not crying. And Ah'm not naughty. Nuh-uh. Ah'm a good boy.'
'I think so too Timmy, and I am sure the angel sees it too.'

Timmy looked at me for a while.

'Do you think the angel will take me with him one day Matt? Take me an' leave this place?'

I was at a loss for words. I really didn't know what to say. My gut feeling tells me that he definitely knows that he's dying.

'Yes, I am sure he will. You are an angel at heart.' I replied with a soft smile.

Two weeks had passed since then. By now, Timmy had shriveled down to a husk. His speech was barely a whisper.

'Matt. Last night, ah saw an angel.'
'Really?'

Timmy must be starting to be delusional, but I played along. Timmy deserves to be happy for what little moments left he had on this Earth.

'Yeah. He was beautiful, just like what you said, Matt. He said that ah could go with him real soon. He said, the place that we're going to is gonna be beautiful. Ah'm so happy Matt. Ah can't wait.'

I gently held his hands and looked at him.

'Ah asked him if I could bring you along too, but he says no. It made me sad Matt, but ah really wanna go with him. Ah really wanna. Can ah Matt? But ah don't want you to be sad.'
'It's okay Timmy. I won't be sad. I will be happy for you. If you are happy, I will be happy too.'
'Really?'
'Really.'

We were then silent for a while. I was struggling very hard to not cry out loud. Timmy broke the silence.

'Matt? Can you stay with me for a while? Stay longer than you used to stay and not go away?'

I nodded and said, 'I'll stay with you for as long as you want champ. I'll be here.'

'You know something Matt? Ah really would like to see Mamma again. I wanna tell her that I love her. Ah don't really like Uncle Al, but that is awright. Mamma was happy when Uncle Al was around. I guess if Mamma is happy, the I should be happy right? '

I really didn't know what else to say. I don't think Timmy will ever find out what really happened. I could just nod silently. Allison's words kept on ringing in my head; 'It's probably a blessing...'

Timmy fell asleep soon after and I was silently by his side. I think I must've drifted off to sleep myself not long after that because the next thing that happened to me was like a dream.

I saw a human-like figure walking towards Timmy and I. The figure was dressed in flowing robes of the finest cloth, with wings sprouting on its shoulder blade, tucked back back folded. I couldn't see it's face but it just walked slowly and purposefully towards us. I tried to move but I couldn't. I was in awe and could only find myself watching. The figure made it's way towards Timmy. It gently stroked his forehead. Timmy looked healthy and well again, no longer the shriveled husk of a child that I remembered.
Timmy got up and held the hand of the figure and smiled at it. Timmy then turned to me. He seemed happy, but sad at the same time. There was a wistful look in his eyes.

'Ah remember, Matt. Ah know all about Mamma now. Ah don't hate her. Ah still love her, but it doesn't matter anymore now. Thank you, Matt, fer everything. Ah'll miss you.'

Timmy waved me goodbye, turned and walked out of the room, hand-in-hand with the mysterious figure.
The figure turned it's face to look at me.

What I saw shocked me awake. The figure had a skull for its face. Death had come to reap.

When I was awake I was in tears. I felt a hollowness within me. Deep down inside I know that Timmy was gone. I was still in a daze when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Allison.

'Matt.. Timmy is...' she tried to break the news to me gently.
'I know. I saw it as it happened.'
'What? Weren't you asleep when I woke you?'

Alison looked confused and sad. I didn't explain it anymore because I didn't know how to.

I just cried.
For the most bitter time as an adult, I cried.

White Rose

The white rose bloomed | And she pierced her skin | She drew a deadly slit round her wrist | And let the blood flow | From the depths of her veins | To the petal of a rose in bloom | Each crimson droplet that falls | Flows her dreams and pain | Flows her sorrow and shame | Rich red droplets | Dripping crimson tearlets | Dyed the white rose red | Stains of life upon life | Engulfing white in the stream of her red | And the blood rose dried | And so too she died | And it will bloom for a while more | A while before | Only a little bit more