It's been six years. I can't say that for those past years, that I have thought about you day in and out. I must admit that there are times that I've forgotten just how much you mean to me.
Sometimes, these state of forgetfulness is a kind of relief for me. For a while, I forget and I try to move on. I move on to different relationships with different people. I just grit my teeth and keep on moving forward. Sometimes, I try to change. I try to change myself in the hope that I change the the perceptions of things and people that I care for and love. I always manage to succeed in my process of self denial and self numbing, but I never manage to keep up my success for long. It always falls back to square on.
I know I fail terribly and I know that my success was temporary, if not an illusion. How do I know? It's in those times of semi-consciousness and half-drunkenness, that you just jump right back out at me from th depths of my mind. You break all the walls that I've painfully built up as easily as how the sandcastles crash under the weight of the seas. I crumble.
Friends ask me, why don't I try to win you back?
Honestly, I don't know. Perhaps I am just a coward by nature. I won't ever know how you will react to me again. What if the answer was no? What if I lost you again and lose whatever little that I have of you left with me now? After all, it was messy as it was six years ago. You will probably never believe me again. I understand, how difficult it is to erase the shadow of doubt. Something always remains. It took me six years to realize, that if someone remains in my mind for so many years, then I am pretty sure that person means a lot to me. Yeah, I am slow, but I got it now.
It hurts. I hurts like hell.
It hurts every time I hear you say that you are in love with someone else. Not that my blessings for you were not sincere, as even if I ever was a hypocrite, it was myself that I was deceiving. How else can a soul as torn as mine were to react?
It's another December. Six years ago, that December, was what I regret most.
