Candy Mandy

Candy Mandy
Sweet are you,
Sugar coated
Yummy too!

Myriad colors
Swirls the eye,
Mushy centre
Taste buds fly!

Watch how I nibble,
Watch how I suck
Licking every layer,
I'm a gleeful scmuck!

Candy Mandy
Sweet and sour,
Candy Mandy
I munch and devour!

At 615am I am hardly coherent.
Still, I reserve the right to be silly sometimes, so sue me!

A Short Narrative In My Mind

I see you playing in my minds eye
Always fleeting there somewhere,
Smiling
Laughing
Like a cloud, traverse the skies.

Always in there, in my mind somewhere,
There your playground be,
Dancing
Floating
Like a wind blowing without care.

In there you linger, there you stay
You gently raise your hands,
Beckoning,
Whispering
Enchanting me to join your play.

Your face radiates such joy and peace,
With gentle eyes you pierce me,
Watching
Waiting
Tears stream my eyes in sorrows release

Nothing I want but to lay in your fold,
Close my eyes and dream,
Drifting
Flowing
Lost in your sweet scent and hold.

Like a miser I covet your touch,
Time I loathe to lose,
Firmly
Surely
I have never loved so much.

My mind starts to waken with knowing,
Like mist you dissipate
Melting
Fleeting
You left me an empty shell wanting.

I awake though my thoughts in disarray
You left me with a smile
Bliss
Complete
Will you play in my mind today?

Regret

More often than not,
when you realize and lost,
It is already too late.

In My Deepest and Darkest Hour...

I miss you.
I miss what it's like to love you.
Dearly,
I miss you, but I guess, you will never know.

From,
Proseac

"Written for that someone buried deep in my heart
in a place that sometimes even I didn't knew it existed"

I Still Wanna Dance

My world turns
Everything neon
Wind lash
Still on the prairie

Wind scar
Slowly takes shape
My beautiful partner
She prances in mischief
Embodiment of grace
She beckons
Into the chaos
She calls
Into my arms
She dances
Eye of the tornado
My world turns again

We dance
On my grave
We dance
I may be dead
But I still wanna dance

Twist of Fate (Part 5)

So ended the episode of Herman visiting Christine in an effort to kindle the flames of a perpetually frozen relationship. They hugged, kissed and said their goodbyes as Herman boarded the bus home.

Christine was in a state of confusion. She could feel an empty feeling inside her. The empty void she felt was unexplainable. It is as if there is some sort of emotional distance between them. She could still always feel the shadow of the past relationship hanging in Herman's mind. The way and the time the relationship started, she simply had to have a reason to be convinced. A reason that was more than what a 'normal' relationship would've demanded. She needed that extra bit that could make her feel secure. At least that is what she told herself.

Herman was on his way home from the trip. He felt strangely unfulfilled. It was probably the incident that happened during his visit. "She would be back this weekend" he told himself. "I'll try to make it up to her then." In his resolve, he drifted off to sleep.

The week passed and Christine was back home. Just while she was unpacking her belongings, her phone rang.

"Hey baby..." said Herman, "How was your trip?"
Tucking the phone between her head and shoulders, Christine replied, "It was smooth. Nothing much happened. Just slept all the way back home"
"That is good to hear" said Herman smiling. "I'll leave you to unpack and settle down. We'll catch for dinner okay?"
"Sure. See you then.." replied Christine.

Christine had a resolve that she didn't tell Herman. She was going to hurt him. Hurt him to find an answer to her doubts. It pained her, but it was something she had to do. She had to know what to do next. It is better for the pain now than to have it stretch on.

The couple met later that evening for dinner. They ended with a walk in the park. Herman was not talking much. He just wanted to enjoy the presence of her in his arms. Silently they strolled.

Christine decided to break the silence."Hey... do you think I am a good girlfriend?"
"Silly girl. Of course you are. Just that if I could see you more often, it would've been perfect" Herman replied, smiling and trying to sound casual.
"I don't think I make a good girlfriend..." she said.
Taken aback, Herman thought that she had misunderstood.
"Don't say that. I could cope with this distance thing. It takes commitment and faith. It.."
"I didn't mean that. I think I am placing you pretty low on my list of priorities, and it's my fault.." she said, breaking Herman in mid-sentence. "My priority will be to my family, then my career after my studies and things with my life in general. Honestly, I think I am pretty selfish and sometimes uncaring.."
Herman just listened as she spoke.
"I don't even know if I love you enough." she said.
"Don't say that baby. It has been rough on both of us. Mostly it is my fault but.." Herman said.
"You know, I thought to myself, if I were to lose you one day, what would I feel," she again broke him in mid-sentence. "I thought hard, but found nothing. I would feel nothing. Even if you were to drop dead in-front of me now, I don't think I would feel any more for you than I would for a friend who passed on."
Herman just stared dumbfounded.
"I don't know why I feel this way, but it is just me.." she said without faltering.

At that moment, Herman decided that she was just confused. Afterall, with so much time apart, they just couldn't grow close. It only gets colder and colder each passing day. Those words coming from her was a lot of sting and pain. He just didn't want to aggrevate her situation. Amidst all the tempest, he just decided to keep quiet and calm.

She looked at him. She was waiting for him to react. He didn't. He just kept quiet.

"Don't think so much baby. I really don't mind what kind of person you are and how you think. I chose to love you, and will accept you as you are now and be with you till you grow out of this," he said trying to sound casual.

She was deeply hurt. She hurt because she had to be this cruel. She hurt even more because he didn't seem affected. She knew where this relationship was headed. It was towards a dead end. She kept what she thought to herself that night.

As they parted ways that night, both were somber.

Later that night, she would cry as she prepared herself to end this all.
For the rest of his life, he would forever remember this piece of conversation, as it festers like a wound in his mind.

Fate as it would have it, would twist again.

My (Bloody) Valentine

Under the Rule of Roman Emporer Claudius II, it was illegal for young men to marry because it was thought they might not enlist in the army. Saint Valentine continued to perform marriages despite this law. When he was caught, he was sentenced to be beaten and beheaded. This was carried out on February 14, 269 AD. In 469 AD, Pope Galesius set aside February 14 as a day to honor Saint Valentine. - Skot Olsen

Valentine's Day.
In memory of love and death.

A Wake

"This piece is based on my own personal experience with insomnia. I went through a period in which I lay awake, night after night, thinking about death and the unavoidable mortality of all things. In this painting, the insomniac is trying to count sheep, which are coming into the room through a spade-shaped hole in space. As they leap into the man’s view to be counted, they pass through another portal, which represents the man’s morbid thoughts. As the sheep pass through this second portal, they die and their remains pile up around the man’s bed. The very act which was supposed to help him rest has become another reminder of how all things die. The spade was selected to represent death, because of its historical connection with that theme." - Skot Olsen

Not so much that I think of mortality and death, my bout of insomnia is somewhat similar. The more that I try to do things to put me to sleep, the more awake I seem to get.

Stray Bullets

Youth
Recklessness
Aimless
Angst
Blindness
Retaliation
Innocent
Passerby
Caught
Hurt
Bled

Remorse
Regret
Didn't mean to, but too late
Much too late

Stray bullet.......................Kills

Crescent Moon

In the air I hang
Tied upon an invisible noose
Watching, waiting
Silently
Moving, following
I am the nocturnal
Lost souls I guide
Beautiful am I
Sinister am I

In the air I hang
Alone in the lonely skies
Surrounded by oblivion
In loneliness divide

In the horizon day approaches
The dawn will consume me
The fear and pain will pass
For in dusk I'll be born again

Beautiful Dead

It suddenly strikes me, how a dead and dried rose can be so beautiful.

Twist of Fate (Part 4)

It has been weeks since Christine left.

Herman caught himself in bed lying wide awake at night. He was feeling conscious. He could feel the heat of his heart slowly ebbing away. This time, he was determined not to let it go away.

It has been a while since he last called. He decided to pick up the phone. The ring tone finally gave way and her voice came through.

"Hello baby..." he said.
"Hey..." she replied.
"It's so nice to hear your voice again. How have things been going?" he asked.
"It's alright. Kinda just the same really.." she answered.
"That's good... You know, I have been thinking of what I last said to you...just before you left that day.." he continued, " I am really sorry. Shouldn't of have heaped that on you..."
"No, no, it's really okay..." she sighed.
"I have decided to do something about it. I have been thinking... Can I make the trip up to see you?"
he asked, sounding really hopeful.
"There is really no need..." she said.
"Why? Are you busy?" he asked again.
"Not really, but its really troublesome...and..." she tried to argue.
"I really want to do this. It is no trouble at all. Could I?" he sounded in earnest.
"Well...ok..." she said.

He could sense her smiling through the phone. They made the date that he would go. As far as he remembered, this was one decision that he was glad that he made.

The day arrived, where he would pack his bags and be on his way. From the minute that he boarded the bus, his heart was pounding in expectation. He wanted very much to see her. He felt alive.

Christine was caught up with her things to do that day. One thing led to another and she ended up with a trip entertaining her friends. She wanted to see Herman but was caught up between him and her friends. Time would probably iron itself out by the time Herman came, she thought.

Herman arrived at the destination. His plan was to get the luggage out of the way at his friend's place before spending the rest of the day with Christine.

After settling down at his friend's place, Herman was invited to go along to a party. Herman entertained the idea for a little while before saying no. He only wanted to spend time with Christine. Quality time that was long overdue.

With some gruntles, his friends left him alone. Herman finally took up the phone to call Christine.

"Hey baby..." he said
"Hey..." she replied
"I am here. Where are you now?" he asked.
"I am still stuck here with some friends... Can I get back to you later?" she said.

At that moment, Herman was really disappointed. He wanted to kick up a fuss. He wanted to tell her how disappointed and pained he was because she just didn't seem to put him on her priority. He wanted to tell her, that he didn't go out with his friends because she was more important. He wanted to tell her that he wanted to see her so bad. He ended up saying nothing at all.

Love is about respecting each others personal space isn't it? He tried to be understanding.

"Oh..in that case, just call me later when you are done" he said.
"Ok..bye" she replied.

He just lied on the bed after that. He told himself, that if he just slept, time would pass by faster. When he woke up, she will be ready to see him. He dozed off to an uneasy nap, always half-awake because he didn't want to accidentally miss her call.

She was upset with Herman. She wanted him to react. She wanted deep inside for him to kick up a fuss. At least, fight over it. Fight to show that he cares. Her doubt in him and the relationship came creeping back again. Wilfully she carried on her party. She just wanted to forget this.

When they finally resumed tele-conversation again, both were in foul mood.

"What kind of boyfriend are you?!" she exclaimed.
"What do you mean?" he replied, trying to remain calm.
"You don't care for me. I told you I was with friends and you didn't even bother to ask who I am with!" she said.
"Thats not true. I care baby. I just wanted to give you your space. I have faith in you. I just want to be an understanding boyfriend.." he explained.

There was silence. Both decided that extended argument would further no ends. They decided to meet up and put this behind them.

What both didn't know, was that a scar was left in their minds. A scar caused by a silent cut and painless wound.

Embryo Shots

This is a piece from H.R. Giger another of my revered contemporary artists.

Every bullet made and fired is revenue and income for some to feed and keep life growing.

In light of the Iraqi invasion not too long ago, maybe the only 'weapons of mass destruction' was simply the greed and malevolence of certain individuals involved in the war conspiracy for their own gain?

Greed is a grave weapon indeed.

Alchemical Pipe Dream

From Roman times into the 19th century, Alchemists used a secret language of pictures to record and communicate their recipes to other Alchemists. They drew and painted scenes where every detail within the picture symbolized something specific. The subjects and surroundings would represent certain elements and chemicals, and the action taking place within the scene represented instructions on how to alter or prepare the elements and chemicals to produce the desired result. This painting is a simple recipe for hashish, using the Alchemical style of communication: First, a female marijuana plant must be cut down at the height of its sexual maturity. The plant is then hung until dry. Next, leaves sticking out which are bigger than the tip of the thumb are cut off. Finally, the plant is repeatedly passed through a fine mesh and the pollen and dust is collected and packed tightly in a wooden box. The material will conglomerate into a ball of hashish, which is the form in which it is smoked. The secondary theme this painting presents is how men alter the female form to make it a “consumable” object, as is seen in advertising and other types of mass media in our society.

By Skot Olsen. One of my favourite contemporary artists. 'Nuff said.

When We Party

Sometimes, we just have to go at it blindly.

Sweet Nothings

I remember those sweet nothings.

When I first met you, and just couldn't take my eyes off you. I would just pretend not to notice you but before I could catch myself, I would just sneak a look your way. I remember the way you smiled and moved. I remember I would just hide myself away in one corner trying too hard not to stare. I just went home feeling nice, playing the times when we did talk, over and over again in my head. I remembered going to sleep smiling.

I remember when we first went out. I was trying so hard to 'be myself'. How could I really be myself around you? I was incoherent. It was so hard to be a nice gentleman and at the same time trying not to do too much just in case I scared you away. Ended up looking like a fool of course. I remember going home, smacking myself in the head, telling myself that I have blundered big time. Just then, your call came. You assured me that I was doing fine. You never knew how comforting it was for me. You left another smile on my face that day.

I remember going out with you that day. I remember that my trailing hand tried to just 'accidentally' hit your trailing hand, to create an 'accidental opportunity' to hold your hand. I remember how my pinky tried to just hook on to your fingers. I remember, being so conscious, wondering, if you pulled away, what would I do? Just then, your pinky hooked on to mine. One by one, our fingers latched on. I had your hand in mine. I looked at you and you at me. Like school children, we giggled and smiled.

I remember waking up with you in my mind. I just knew, I had to leave you a message that day to tell you that I love you. That was the first thing I did that morning. I hoped that was the first thing you saw that morning too.

I remember when I looked into your eyes and you into mine. There was no need to speak as we let our eyes do the talking. For that moment, the world disappeared and only you were left in my mind. We had our first kiss. I remember those thin lips, as they responded to my lips in silent conversation.

I remember being caught in the rain with you. I remember as I dried your hair as you dried mine, playing with the towel as we tried to rid ourself of the wetness. I remember making the cups of coffee as we tried to warm ourselves. You hated the way my coffee tasted. I remembered playfully forcing you to taste the bitterness of the coffee left on my lips. I remembered as you told me, that even the most bitter coffee tasted sweet from my lips.

I remember kissing you while learning to count to ten in Japanese. You smiled as you told me, to learn to count to hundred so I have an excuse to kiss you a hundred times.

I remember when we did the dishes together. I hugged you from behind. You have now a pair of extra arms to help you do the washing. My hands held the dish as you soaped it. My hands flipped the dish as you rinsed it. It took forever to finally get it all cleaned up. We got wet and dirty, but we had fun.

I remember walking on the beach together. We wrote love letters in the sand. We found a bottle lying on the ground somewhere. I remember scooping the love letters in the sand and filling up the bottle. The sand was special. We buried the bottle of sand on the soft earth nearby with a note, that these were the very sands we shared and wrote love letters on. Bless he/she who would find the bottle again one day.

I remember running my fingers through your hair. It was always smooth. I remember telling you, troubles are like hair. It gets entagled, but all it takes are some loving fingers to set it right again.

I remember putting you to sleep in my embrace. I remember just watching you, as the lines of your daily toil on your face eases as you drift away to sleep. I remember how beautiful you looked when you were asleep.

I will always remember, how we just lied there, and spoke of sweet nothings. Sweet nothings, as I speak of them now.

Suicide Note

Dear Life,

Looks like you have finally got the better of me. It has been a sick trip that we have together. I tried so hard to have us work out, but it seems like it is never going to be.

You just happen to have this cruel habit of cracking the biggest and most cruel jokes with me on the butt end of it all.

I think I have finally had enough. You are just sick.

It has been very tiring. Very very tiring. I really just want to close my eyes and let eternal sleep take me. Why is it that you just refuse to let me go?

You know it. I know it. I can never beat you in this game. You have all the aces. You plot all the twists. You lead me where it seems fit. I never had a choice without you interfering at some point.
You gave to me, you take away, whenever it pleases you.

I feel like a rat caught in your cruel experiment. The hurt is too much. It is suffocating. It is torment and suffering. I can't get out. I cannot breathe. I want to get out. I just want to get away.

I have had enough of the games you play. The pawns you use to make me suffer. I suffer because you made me care for them. I suffer because you twined them to me.

It is so painful because I have to hurt them. I have to hurt those unwitting pawns to finally get away. I feel so guilty that I have to. I love them, but I am desperate. I am so sorry. Backed up against the wall, I have no more room for remorse. Just immense pain.

I want to end the pain.

I feel cold. I am scared. You challenged me to part ways with you. Time after time, I backed away. Time after time, I chickened out. Even as I write now, I tremble with fear.

It will be over soon. I know, because I feel the calm before the storm.

If I ever do one thing right, it is now, to make this decision to part ways with you. There is nothing more for me. I need the end to set me free.

I miss everyone. I am so sorry. I have to hurt everyone that I love most.

Goodbye,
Victim.

Twist of Fate (Part 3)

The relationship Herman and Christine shared can be described as one that is 'perpetually delayed'. The main difficulty was due to the fact that Christine had to be away most of the time in another city to pursue her education. Once a month worth of bliss is all this couple could hope for at best at any one time. Most of the relationship was about phonecalls and emails and sometimes Instant Messaging (thanks to the amazing technology called the Internet)

Herman was trying to get on with his life. He was trying very hard. Maybe he tried a bit too hard. It was tough when your best friend betrayed you that way. Everyday, he would try to drown the sorrows away by partying and hanging out with his friends. Ironically, the same friends reminds him of the ultimate betrayal by his ex-best friend.

Christine was a tough girl. She was blossoming into adulthood, looking forward to great adventures in the future ahead of her. A wonderful career and a life filled with great expectations. She pursued it with all her heart. In her big heart, she still found the time and patience to bear with Herman as they both try to work this relationship out.

Fate was a an evil thing. Time and space apart were the lesser evils in this play. Having started a relationship like it did, growing apart was inevitable. Each time they reunite, they had to accustom themselves to the strange feeling of each other. Time was always short though. By the time they have gotten used to having each other around, they had to part again.

"My heart frozen heart is never able to thaw. Each time you come back to me, it begins to thaw slowly. It starts to feel warm again. Just when the pain kicks in like freeze-burn, you have to leave again. Thats when it freezes all over again..." Herman confessed to Christine once when he was sending her off to the bus station.

Christine couldn't find an answer to him.

"All I remember is the pain. I want to feel warm again. I want my heart to beat warm for you..." Herman continued.

Christine was under severe stress and remained silent. Herman just looked at her not wanting to continue pushing her.

They arrived at the station. She alighted from his car. He decided to drive off, trying hard not too look backwards. He wondered, if what he feels for her is really love for her or just an after-effect from trying to numb the sensation of everyday life which was a living hell for him.

Something spoke to him in his thawed heart that day. He loves her. He swerved his car and stopped it by the road. He got off and proceeded to run, in an attempt to catch her for the last time before she departed on the bus. He didn't care if his car was towed away or given a ticket. He didn't care if he couldn't catch his breath.

He just carried on running with only her in mind. His heart thawed completely that day. He felt warm. For her.

He arrived too late to catch her before she boarded the bus. The bus was about to leave with the passengers on board. Somehow, he managed to spot her at a seat by the window on the bus. Somehow he managed to catch her attention.

As the bus moved slowly towards the station exit, he was running like a mad man by the bus waving and shouting silent 'I love you's to her. The bus picked up speed. He was soon to be found running after the bus. He never heard a word she said from inside the moving vehicle. It really didn't matter.

Tears streamed his face that day as he ran after the vehicle that carried her away. He couldn't run anymore. He just stood still, amidst the fumes, trails left by the bus. There was nothing except tears and smoke.

She carried a part of his heart away forever that day. She never knew it, and somehow, she never will know.

Twist of Fate (Part 2)

It was raining heavily. Not really a thunderstorm, more like an unabated waterfall splashing through a sprinkler. The raindrops were big and heavy. There was a strange calm amidst the downpour.

It was in this downpour where Herman was sending Christine home in his car. The episode that happened earlier altogether seemed surreal. They were silent. Both knew in their hearts that they just did not know where to take it from here. She finally broke the silence.

"I think we should not carry this any further..." she said.
"But why? We are doing alright aren't we? It has only been hours" he asked.
"I don't feel right. I know you don't love me as much as you did her. I don't want to live in someone's shadow," she said.
"You and her and two different people. These are two different relationships. You cannot possibly compare!" he argued.
"I am trying to move on with you. Please, give us a chance?"

They sat in silence, the turbulence washed away with the pelting rain and the silent purring of the engine.

As they parted that day, both had mixed feelings.

He wanted to move on but he did not know if he still had hidden feelings from the past that even he did not know of.
She wanted it to happen but she did not know she could carry on her days under shadows and silent doubts.
Still they smiled and pledged to each other feeling optimistic.

The fingers of deceit stretches long indeed.

Twist of Fate (Part 1)

Herman thought he had everything in life. He was an ace student budding off to a wonderful career. Above all, he had a wonderful relationship with a most wonderful girl.
His world came crashing down one fateful day, when his wonderful girl turned her back on him. She went off with his best friend and left him hanging in the balance. All of a sudden, his world looked bleak. His plans with her for their future was now nothing but a big void with nothing to fill.

Christine was an old time friend of Herman. She did have a crush for him before Herman was involved with a relationship. Nothing came out of the crush and life went on for her. That was until she heard of his plight.

Egged on by common friends, she came into his life as a sliver of light. Sitting silently next to him, she gave him comfort. She silently reminded him, that he has a lot more to live for. She tried to lift him out of his despondent state.

It all happened in a whirl. In Herman's confused mind, a collage of thought blended. He said nothing but embraced Christine and they entwined in a passionate kiss. She did not resist. For a moment, time stood still, the couple in an interlock of overflowing emotion expressed in a framed picture in time.

It ended when their lips parted ways. He could only look into her eyes. She laid in his arms saying nothing. He would just silently caress her soft flowing hair. Twirling and playing.

In his mind he asked himself, "What now?"

Answering his own question, he spoke aloud, "I will try..."

She just looked at him, as his fingers continued twirling her hair...