Crossroads

It was probably a dream. Probably, as I don't rightly remember exactly where and when this had happened to me. Everything in my memory now is like looking at the world through a haze. It's a myriads of colors and shapes.
I suddenly found myself in the middle of nowhere. The landscape was dreadful. There was nothing around me, save the shapes of barren trees, morbid to behold. Twisted and writhed as if perpetually tortured and in pain. Thru the haze of my vision, they were like creatures of the night, a parody of life lost.
The sky was cast in a sick shade of purple. There were no clouds, only a strange form of a mist flowing. There was no sign of light but strangely, I found it possible to look beyond. Standing before me was a path, that seem to lead to the horizon. I seem to be standing in the middle of the path. It's as if that I must've walked here from somewhere. Did I trod down this way? I don't remember. Nothing seems to make sense, but somehow I felt compelled to walk and follow this strange pathway, wherever it would lead me. I took my first steps and began my journey with slow debilitating steps.
I plodded along very slowly, inspecting my alien surroundings as I moved. I noticed, that this place was devoid of life. The grass, or whatever it was that littered the sides of the pathway were in gray. It was all so deathly silent. The only sound I could hear was the moving air that surrounds me and that of my beating heart. Wherever I am now, it is a place that life itself has forsaken. Each gasp of air that I breathe, smells faintly of roses and decay. Each breath leaves a faint taste of ashes in my mouth.
Who knows how long I've walked, It must've been hours but it felt like days. Sudden fear grabs me as I wonder if I would ever find a way out of this place. It was at this precise moment that I saw a break in the the horizon, a divergence of paths. I felt a sudden relief. Variation must mean that this path is not a neverending one-way-street. The relief passes and confusion overtakes me. What does all of this mean? With renewed vigor I trudged on forward towards the coming horizon, determined to find out what all this is about.
Before I realized, I found the horizon dropping lower. This could only mean that I am finally reaching somewhere. Is this to be my destination? I truly did not know.
Maybe it was that I was too absorbed within my own thoughts that I didn't notice, because I found myself at a crossroad. I stood there bewildered. Which way should I head from here? I looked around, half-heartedly thinking that there might be a signboard somewhere that could give me a clue.
True enough, it was just what I had expected, there was only nothingness around me, or was it? I must not of have noticed before, because standing just a little bit away from me was this shadowy figure. The figure seems to of have been standing there for a long time. It seems like that it was waiting for something or someone, Strange that I could of have missed its presence.
The figure looked like it was standing in a slight hunch. It was dressed in a druids garb of sorts, with heavy cloaks shadowing its features from my eyes. The color of its robe was as black as night. It was made of the finest cloth, smooth and comforting. There was no adornment that it wore on it's garb. It was plain and somehow, it was haunting.
I wasn't sure what got me moving towards this looming figure, but I did it anyway. Slow, cautious steps I took towards it. I probably wasn't feeling very sane, but then again, I was literally caught in a land of nightmares. What worse could happen to me?
As I approached the figure, I realized that it wasn't the small and frail figure that I first thought it was. Somehow, as I move closer, it seems to grow in stature, or perhaps, it was me that was shrinking. This apparition that stood before me was easily seven feet tall. The oversized garb that it wore, gave it an illusion of frailness that disappeared upon closer inspection. Underneath the velvet robes, I sensed a strong frame that is filling the garb most admirably. The strange thing was, that even up this close, it's visage was still hidden within the shadows of it's hood. I just stood before this apparition, dumb and silent.
There were probably a thousand questions in my head, and somehow my gut feeling told me that this figure that stood before me has the answers to all of them. Yet, I couldn't speak, not a single word. I just stood mesmerized by the darkness of it's robe that seems to draw me into infinity.
A voice echoed in my ears. Or maybe, the voice was in my head as I could still hear the silence around me.
"You seek answers. You seek direction. You are given a choice...", the voice hissed to me, neither male nor female. "You are at the crossroads now, what choice would you make?"
Somehow I knew that this voice was from the figure that stood before me. I stood before it with knowing in my eyes as I stared. It just nodded in acknowledgement, as if it read my thoughts.
"I can tell you which path to choose. I can make smooth that path. I can surround that path as you walk with pleasures as you have never known..." the voice hissed. "Everything I give for a trade. Everything I give in exchange."
The offer seemed very enticing, maybe a little too good to be true. I wonder what exactly was it that I would have to exchange, not that I really had anything at all in this forsaken land.
As if reading my thoughts, the voice came again.
"You see my friend, everyone travels their own roads. They each walk their own path. Each carries on walking and walking until they can walk no more. Either they run out of will or the roads to tread," it explained.
"At one point in their journey, everyone will come to a crossroad. Everyone will have to decide where else they would want to go from there," it paused. Then in a slightly sinister tone, "Sometimes, they will find me there, just as you have found me here, at the crossroad of your path."
I wonder where this was all leading. Whatever it has just said makes no sense to me, but at the same time, I found some sort of profound understanding in its words. Just then, it raised his hand to point at the pathways that divide at the crossroad. My vision followed to where it was pointing.
"What will your choice be? You pick a path, and you just carry on walking. Down these paths, it may lead you to glory. Down these paths, it may lead you to anguish and pain. Down these paths, you may arrive at success. Down these paths, you may arrive at nothing. You will be faced with harsh truths. You will beset painful lies. Such is the journey of life, that no destination is certain. The only certainty is the doubt that will fester in your mind. The only certainty is the tinge of regret. The only certainty, is that your mind wonders, what would it be if you took the other road?"
I could sense a certain mocking tone as it allowed that last sentence to trail off.
"We all need some direction. Direction that I would gladly offer. Direction that would lead you down the path of glory and success. Direction that would lead you down the path that fulfils all of your heart's desires. All that I ask, is an exchange," it said as it lowered it's hands and hide them once more within the folds of its cloak.
"My price is an easy one, yet it will be heavy nonetheless," it said. "I will offer my gifts, in exchange for your soul."
My mind cringed at the thought of the offer.
"Do not fear, my friend. Losing your soul is not as frightening as it seems. You will not even notice the difference with or without it. Instead, think of it as preparing yourself for a most wonderful journey."
I could sense a smile playing on its lips while it spoke.
"To enjoy the ride to its utmost, you will have to lose that burden of your soul. Lose it, and you will live life like you have never lived before, with no more constraints."
I stood there thinking about the offer. I thought about it for a long time. I was tempted to just let it all go. After all, we live but once, so why not make it a joyride?
I made up my mind. For the first time, in this strange surreal world, I looked at the figure, and smiled. I turned away from the figure, closed my eyes, and started trodding down a path at random.
The voice in my head came in a scathing and mocking tone.
"You are a fool! Do you think you can truly walk away from my influence? Even by refusing my offer, you will still trip and fall. I will always be around you. You will find yourself walking the long winding roads and still end up with me in the furnace that burns eternal!"
Somewhere I found the courage to reply the conversation in my head.
"Are you certain? Like what you've told me. Nothing is certain even as I walk now on my own. I may find redemption as I walk this path, or condemnation. At the very least, life, the uncertain journey is a whole lot more interesting that way. My life is mine, and mine alone."
The voice seem to of have ceased in my head. The sudden silence was overwhelming. I simply carried on walking. It wasn't long before the voice came in my head again.
"I like you. Trust me when I say this. I foresee that you will find yourself at many a crossroads in your journey. I will be waiting up ahead."
I smiled. I still carried on walking with my eyes closed. I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted to walk without knowing where I will be headed, and decide when I finally get there, or when my legs finally gave way, whichever came first.
The very next moment, I found myself in a room. The surroundings were familiar. It was in my bed that I was lying on. It was my clock that stared at me and told me that it was lunch time. It was my clothes that lie scattered across in the room.
Just then the phone rang. I picked it up, still feeling dazed and confused. It was Alan.
"Hey, so what's up today?"
I sat there, silent for a moment. Then with a smile I replied.
"Seriously, I don't know what's up... but hey, life is certainly more interesting when it's uncertain ain't it?"

Realistic Love?

This little subject has been hanging in my head for quite a while. This subject comes to me as quite a paradox. It comes to me as a juxtaposed contradiction that sticks out.
Realism or being realistic requires one to be objective, rational and evaluating the options for oneself. Putting everything through ones head, one then attempts to come up with the best option for oneself. Being realistic takes away the essence of idealism and dreams. Being realistic requires oneself to not be caught in the lower plateau. Being realistic means to choose the best situation in relation to oneself to further one's ends. Being realistic is about seeking proof to a faith.
Love on the other hand, is all about forebearance, tolerance, sacrifice, endurance, faith and belief. To love, one dares to seek the ideal, one dares to dream. To love, one believes that love comes full circle and fulfils it's own. Love manifests as passion burning like a neverending flame, a willing flame that burns oneself just to warm that which is beloved. Love is not about self but total unself. Love is sometimes to seek the lower plateau so as to elevate that which is beloved. Love is having faith without proof.
I do believe that love requires it to tempered with practicality. I also believe that a realistic mind requires a measure of counter balance with love.
Alas, we're always caught in between. In being human, we're a walking tug-of-war, between the head and heart.
Who else but a human, will ever understand something as contradicting as "realistic love"?

Mistress of Sleep

Mistress of the nocturnal,
Come ye unto me,
Dance with me those familiar steps,
Enchant me with thy beauty.

Bring ye along thy chambermaids,
Let them ring thou round,
They shall bequeath thee orchids,
Joy and laughter shall resound.

Lead me then my dear maiden,
Lead me unto blissful sleep,
Let me lie in thy full bosom,
Let me fall in thy embrace deep.

Grant me beloved thy gift of dreams,
That we may sail the calm night sky,
Together we shall chase the stars,
Chase wonders that escape the eye.

May I ask that this never end?
This union of heart and soul,
Gently thou whispereth unto me,
Words that doeth make me whole....

"Go now dear beloved,
Go now as thou must,
Another night I'll come again,
In that thou must trust."

The Flavor Of Life

Life ultimately comes in only one flavor.

Bittersweet.

I Hate SPAM

Not the meat though. I am personally a huge lover of canned meat mashed from them pork parts. There is no better staple meat to gorge in with such delight.

That aside, I hate spam. Spam as in unsolicited messages generally of dubious and shady nature. Yes, I am sure we have all heard about how spam is hurting the productivity around the globe where business of the modern day is integrated tightly with that little box we'd like to call our 'Personal Computer'. (Hmm.. Personal Computer, what an oxymoron)

Regardless, I can't help but grudgingly admire those spammers. We can only imagine the amount of effort put in by various parties to attempt to eradicate spam via aritificial intelligence (hmmm...yet another oxymoron?) and still to no avail. I don't foresee that things will really get better in the near future for two simple reasons:
1) No computer is intelligent enough to discern what human beings are able to
AND
2) Sadly, one man's spam is another man's meat. What is spam to me may not be to you.

I can also foresee that the incereased 'connectivity' between people on the globe via technology will simply open up more doors for these 'spammers'.
Look at the evolution!
Back in the days where the simple telephone ruled the roost, we had 'tele-marketing' (no offence to any tele-marketeers out there).
Then came email and the Internet, spawning mass emailing campaigns, hawking Viagra and Christian Personal Credit Schemes. (I am so not amused)
Now with further connectivity, spam comes fast and furious in all directions! Instant Messaging, Short Message Services (SMS) and for crying out loud, even f***in BLOG COMMENTS!

This is causing me a lot of emotional distress. Just when I thought this lil blog of mine is sitting staring out into the vasts of cyberspace all alone and I see this 'comment' posted, my lil heart skipped a beat. Finally! Someone noticed me!
Imagine my disgust when I pop open the comment section just to see this picture of this old balding bloke and his campaign for 'colon cancer' asking for my attention. A pox on you whoever you are! If colon cancer don't take you, I am gonna take a zucchini and stuff it up that colon of yours if I ever find you!

Anyways, my ramblings are totally self-serving. I reckon, the only way for spam to be effectively controlled should be like how you control the transmittance of some sexual disease.

The answer is with education. Only when people stop being gullible and realize that the 'Million Dollar A Week Scheme' is about as authentic as WWE Wrestling will this epidemic be effectively put to a stop.

Having said that, such utopia will never exist. Simply because, in the increasingly connected world, there is always a chance, that a gullible, ignorant and stupid fool is just over the other line.

A Lovely Little Paradox

It has been said, that in order for myself to be happy, I would want you to be happy.
For you to be happy, I would hope to give you a full life.
Holding on to you so sefishly is something I yearn but dare not want.
No one would want to live life and look back with regret at that moment unfulfilled.
I would have to let you explore that big big world of yours filled with your own beauty and fantasy.
That world that would only belong to you and no one else.
Nothing I can possibly offer to you to fill that void. Nothing except freedom and my blessings for you to pursue that moment and time in your life.
I know that time will pass and probably we would've lost something so precious in my bid to help you be truly happy.
It has been said, if it was meant to be, it will come a full circle. But, we will always gain some, and we will lose some. Who is to question what was worth it?
If we never find the fire again, for this one moment in time though, I would want you to know, that I did love you more than myself.

Proseac
In remembrance of something I felt a long long long time ago.

Geeky Me

Oh yeah. I am such a geek. Just to prove it, here are sample screenshots from my desktop.
Just simply gotta love Linux.

Notice the Mac style menu?

Showcased are the transparent effects from the non-focused windows as compared to the focused solid window.

Which Un-?

Adulterated?
Break?
Disclosed?
Bind?
Shackled?
Chained?
Disturbed?
Restricted?
Restrained?
Done?
Known?
Holy?
Requited?
Loved?
Kept?

Just which Un- do I feel?

Time

Every hour wounds, the last one kills.

Quoted :- Anonymous

'Neath That Tree

On the earth somewhere stood a lone hill.
On the lone hill, stood a lone tree.
The tree was ancient and it was old. Ages passed the tree by. Children came, lovers went. Peace came, war went. Winds licked its bark, the roots drank the rain. Rain that fell and seeped deep into the earth, the tree drank. The sun scorched as the moonlight bathed, things came, things went.
The tree was grand once, now just a forlorn figure of better days. It looked like it mourns for the earth. Mighty branches no longer sturdy, it now looks droop, as if in mourning. It mourns for it stood. Death would not claim it. It just stood forgotten, consumed by time. Still it stood, wretched. Leaves fall from him one by one. Each falling leaf, a measure of splendour lost.
Sometimes, the wind will blow, its mocking whisper. The wind cuts through, leaving behind the sound of ruffling leaves. Sometimes, the tree moans as the wind cuts through its hollowed parts.
Sometimes the moon casts its glow. The tree in turn casts it shadows. Once upon a time, the tree cast a comforting shade with its proud bloom. Today it casts a shadow like a wight. Like a creature of the night, thin and frail, the shadow stretches longer. Like craving fingers the shadow stretches, wanting to wrap around what it could hold on to. It could hold on to nothing.
Looking at the shadow is like looking into a mirror. As much as the mirror is like an object of vanity, it also reminds of ones passing beauty. So it was with the tree as it looks upon its shadow.
All of this I considered as I looked upon the lonely tree. It had no company nor reason to live except for existence. Nothing but empty existence. I could feel its tears that it could not cry. I could hear its sob that it could sound.
I smile. We have a strange understanding. I took my seat beneath the tree. I looked at the tree once and I looked no more.

Candy Mandy

Candy Mandy
Sweet are you,
Sugar coated
Yummy too!

Myriad colors
Swirls the eye,
Mushy centre
Taste buds fly!

Watch how I nibble,
Watch how I suck
Licking every layer,
I'm a gleeful scmuck!

Candy Mandy
Sweet and sour,
Candy Mandy
I munch and devour!

At 615am I am hardly coherent.
Still, I reserve the right to be silly sometimes, so sue me!

A Short Narrative In My Mind

I see you playing in my minds eye
Always fleeting there somewhere,
Smiling
Laughing
Like a cloud, traverse the skies.

Always in there, in my mind somewhere,
There your playground be,
Dancing
Floating
Like a wind blowing without care.

In there you linger, there you stay
You gently raise your hands,
Beckoning,
Whispering
Enchanting me to join your play.

Your face radiates such joy and peace,
With gentle eyes you pierce me,
Watching
Waiting
Tears stream my eyes in sorrows release

Nothing I want but to lay in your fold,
Close my eyes and dream,
Drifting
Flowing
Lost in your sweet scent and hold.

Like a miser I covet your touch,
Time I loathe to lose,
Firmly
Surely
I have never loved so much.

My mind starts to waken with knowing,
Like mist you dissipate
Melting
Fleeting
You left me an empty shell wanting.

I awake though my thoughts in disarray
You left me with a smile
Bliss
Complete
Will you play in my mind today?

Regret

More often than not,
when you realize and lost,
It is already too late.

In My Deepest and Darkest Hour...

I miss you.
I miss what it's like to love you.
Dearly,
I miss you, but I guess, you will never know.

From,
Proseac

"Written for that someone buried deep in my heart
in a place that sometimes even I didn't knew it existed"

I Still Wanna Dance

My world turns
Everything neon
Wind lash
Still on the prairie

Wind scar
Slowly takes shape
My beautiful partner
She prances in mischief
Embodiment of grace
She beckons
Into the chaos
She calls
Into my arms
She dances
Eye of the tornado
My world turns again

We dance
On my grave
We dance
I may be dead
But I still wanna dance

Twist of Fate (Part 5)

So ended the episode of Herman visiting Christine in an effort to kindle the flames of a perpetually frozen relationship. They hugged, kissed and said their goodbyes as Herman boarded the bus home.

Christine was in a state of confusion. She could feel an empty feeling inside her. The empty void she felt was unexplainable. It is as if there is some sort of emotional distance between them. She could still always feel the shadow of the past relationship hanging in Herman's mind. The way and the time the relationship started, she simply had to have a reason to be convinced. A reason that was more than what a 'normal' relationship would've demanded. She needed that extra bit that could make her feel secure. At least that is what she told herself.

Herman was on his way home from the trip. He felt strangely unfulfilled. It was probably the incident that happened during his visit. "She would be back this weekend" he told himself. "I'll try to make it up to her then." In his resolve, he drifted off to sleep.

The week passed and Christine was back home. Just while she was unpacking her belongings, her phone rang.

"Hey baby..." said Herman, "How was your trip?"
Tucking the phone between her head and shoulders, Christine replied, "It was smooth. Nothing much happened. Just slept all the way back home"
"That is good to hear" said Herman smiling. "I'll leave you to unpack and settle down. We'll catch for dinner okay?"
"Sure. See you then.." replied Christine.

Christine had a resolve that she didn't tell Herman. She was going to hurt him. Hurt him to find an answer to her doubts. It pained her, but it was something she had to do. She had to know what to do next. It is better for the pain now than to have it stretch on.

The couple met later that evening for dinner. They ended with a walk in the park. Herman was not talking much. He just wanted to enjoy the presence of her in his arms. Silently they strolled.

Christine decided to break the silence."Hey... do you think I am a good girlfriend?"
"Silly girl. Of course you are. Just that if I could see you more often, it would've been perfect" Herman replied, smiling and trying to sound casual.
"I don't think I make a good girlfriend..." she said.
Taken aback, Herman thought that she had misunderstood.
"Don't say that. I could cope with this distance thing. It takes commitment and faith. It.."
"I didn't mean that. I think I am placing you pretty low on my list of priorities, and it's my fault.." she said, breaking Herman in mid-sentence. "My priority will be to my family, then my career after my studies and things with my life in general. Honestly, I think I am pretty selfish and sometimes uncaring.."
Herman just listened as she spoke.
"I don't even know if I love you enough." she said.
"Don't say that baby. It has been rough on both of us. Mostly it is my fault but.." Herman said.
"You know, I thought to myself, if I were to lose you one day, what would I feel," she again broke him in mid-sentence. "I thought hard, but found nothing. I would feel nothing. Even if you were to drop dead in-front of me now, I don't think I would feel any more for you than I would for a friend who passed on."
Herman just stared dumbfounded.
"I don't know why I feel this way, but it is just me.." she said without faltering.

At that moment, Herman decided that she was just confused. Afterall, with so much time apart, they just couldn't grow close. It only gets colder and colder each passing day. Those words coming from her was a lot of sting and pain. He just didn't want to aggrevate her situation. Amidst all the tempest, he just decided to keep quiet and calm.

She looked at him. She was waiting for him to react. He didn't. He just kept quiet.

"Don't think so much baby. I really don't mind what kind of person you are and how you think. I chose to love you, and will accept you as you are now and be with you till you grow out of this," he said trying to sound casual.

She was deeply hurt. She hurt because she had to be this cruel. She hurt even more because he didn't seem affected. She knew where this relationship was headed. It was towards a dead end. She kept what she thought to herself that night.

As they parted ways that night, both were somber.

Later that night, she would cry as she prepared herself to end this all.
For the rest of his life, he would forever remember this piece of conversation, as it festers like a wound in his mind.

Fate as it would have it, would twist again.

My (Bloody) Valentine

Under the Rule of Roman Emporer Claudius II, it was illegal for young men to marry because it was thought they might not enlist in the army. Saint Valentine continued to perform marriages despite this law. When he was caught, he was sentenced to be beaten and beheaded. This was carried out on February 14, 269 AD. In 469 AD, Pope Galesius set aside February 14 as a day to honor Saint Valentine. - Skot Olsen

Valentine's Day.
In memory of love and death.

A Wake

"This piece is based on my own personal experience with insomnia. I went through a period in which I lay awake, night after night, thinking about death and the unavoidable mortality of all things. In this painting, the insomniac is trying to count sheep, which are coming into the room through a spade-shaped hole in space. As they leap into the man’s view to be counted, they pass through another portal, which represents the man’s morbid thoughts. As the sheep pass through this second portal, they die and their remains pile up around the man’s bed. The very act which was supposed to help him rest has become another reminder of how all things die. The spade was selected to represent death, because of its historical connection with that theme." - Skot Olsen

Not so much that I think of mortality and death, my bout of insomnia is somewhat similar. The more that I try to do things to put me to sleep, the more awake I seem to get.

Stray Bullets

Youth
Recklessness
Aimless
Angst
Blindness
Retaliation
Innocent
Passerby
Caught
Hurt
Bled

Remorse
Regret
Didn't mean to, but too late
Much too late

Stray bullet.......................Kills

Crescent Moon

In the air I hang
Tied upon an invisible noose
Watching, waiting
Silently
Moving, following
I am the nocturnal
Lost souls I guide
Beautiful am I
Sinister am I

In the air I hang
Alone in the lonely skies
Surrounded by oblivion
In loneliness divide

In the horizon day approaches
The dawn will consume me
The fear and pain will pass
For in dusk I'll be born again