Well, how shall I start this off?
The past few days have been a real test of character. Sudden realization strikes me that I changed a little bit more. Strange, how people never realize the change in themselves until they are given a test of character.
I have to admit, I used to be a pretty brash person when it comes to relationships. Relationships as the boy and girl kind. I used to just jump into relationships, head first. I dive into a relationship without weighing too much about circumstance, potential and the long run. I've always stuck to the belief that 'If it feels so right, it can't be wrong'.
Always believed in playing by the ear. Working things out as it goes along. Tolerate a little, compromise a little out of love and everything will be dandy.
The last few days opened my eyes, to what I have become.
I've actually tried to start a relationship with a 'potential chick'. Knew her for a long long time. In fact, it was an ex-girlfriend. She used to be quite messed up, until I met her again recently. She seems quite changed. Setting off on a bright career, ambitious and certainly more in control of her life. Perhaps I was relishing to get to know her all over again. To fall in love again with a girl from a whole new different perspective.
All was dandy, until she confessed that she was embroiled in another relationship that she wanted to walk away from. Apparently walking away wasn't easy for her. It's not so much that she's torn between choices, but more of like ending up stuck with a bad choice of boyfriend. She got stuck with this mentally instable guy that is giving her hell if she left him. The kind of hell on offer is as bad as far as the stretches your imagination can take you.
I heard her distress call and sometime inside me snapped.
Something seriously snapped.
Was it disappointment that the facade of her cleaned up life fell through?
Was it the emotional baggage that she is going to carry into this new relationship with me?
Was it my selfishness that I really do not have the heart or time for this sh*t?
Was it that I felt disturbed as I am helpless to do anything about what she is going through?
Maybe it was a mixture of all those reasons. One thing I do know for sure, is that I do not need all this right now, and the fact that if this relationship started, its all going off on the wrong foot.
I promptly offered the option to stay friends.
Looking back, I suddenly became conscious of how pragmatic I have become. I am very convinced that my choice is a right one. I also knew, if this was me back a couple of years, I would've just went ahead with this relationship anyways with all the usual gusto and gung-ho.
Cold realisation.
How times have fly on by. How times chip me away and shape me.
How I change with each passing minute, even if only by a little...
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