So ended the episode of Herman visiting Christine in an effort to kindle the flames of a perpetually frozen relationship. They hugged, kissed and said their goodbyes as Herman boarded the bus home.
Christine was in a state of confusion. She could feel an empty feeling inside her. The empty void she felt was unexplainable. It is as if there is some sort of emotional distance between them. She could still always feel the shadow of the past relationship hanging in Herman's mind. The way and the time the relationship started, she simply had to have a reason to be convinced. A reason that was more than what a 'normal' relationship would've demanded. She needed that extra bit that could make her feel secure. At least that is what she told herself.
Herman was on his way home from the trip. He felt strangely unfulfilled. It was probably the incident that happened during his visit. "She would be back this weekend" he told himself. "I'll try to make it up to her then." In his resolve, he drifted off to sleep.
The week passed and Christine was back home. Just while she was unpacking her belongings, her phone rang.
"Hey baby..." said Herman, "How was your trip?"
Tucking the phone between her head and shoulders, Christine replied, "It was smooth. Nothing much happened. Just slept all the way back home"
"That is good to hear" said Herman smiling. "I'll leave you to unpack and settle down. We'll catch for dinner okay?"
"Sure. See you then.." replied Christine.
Christine had a resolve that she didn't tell Herman. She was going to hurt him. Hurt him to find an answer to her doubts. It pained her, but it was something she had to do. She had to know what to do next. It is better for the pain now than to have it stretch on.
The couple met later that evening for dinner. They ended with a walk in the park. Herman was not talking much. He just wanted to enjoy the presence of her in his arms. Silently they strolled.
Christine decided to break the silence."Hey... do you think I am a good girlfriend?"
"Silly girl. Of course you are. Just that if I could see you more often, it would've been perfect" Herman replied, smiling and trying to sound casual.
"I don't think I make a good girlfriend..." she said.
Taken aback, Herman thought that she had misunderstood.
"Don't say that. I could cope with this distance thing. It takes commitment and faith. It.."
"I didn't mean that. I think I am placing you pretty low on my list of priorities, and it's my fault.." she said, breaking Herman in mid-sentence. "My priority will be to my family, then my career after my studies and things with my life in general. Honestly, I think I am pretty selfish and sometimes uncaring.."
Herman just listened as she spoke.
"I don't even know if I love you enough." she said.
"Don't say that baby. It has been rough on both of us. Mostly it is my fault but.." Herman said.
"You know, I thought to myself, if I were to lose you one day, what would I feel," she again broke him in mid-sentence. "I thought hard, but found nothing. I would feel nothing. Even if you were to drop dead in-front of me now, I don't think I would feel any more for you than I would for a friend who passed on."
Herman just stared dumbfounded.
"I don't know why I feel this way, but it is just me.." she said without faltering.
At that moment, Herman decided that she was just confused. Afterall, with so much time apart, they just couldn't grow close. It only gets colder and colder each passing day. Those words coming from her was a lot of sting and pain. He just didn't want to aggrevate her situation. Amidst all the tempest, he just decided to keep quiet and calm.
She looked at him. She was waiting for him to react. He didn't. He just kept quiet.
"Don't think so much baby. I really don't mind what kind of person you are and how you think. I chose to love you, and will accept you as you are now and be with you till you grow out of this," he said trying to sound casual.
She was deeply hurt. She hurt because she had to be this cruel. She hurt even more because he didn't seem affected. She knew where this relationship was headed. It was towards a dead end. She kept what she thought to herself that night.
As they parted ways that night, both were somber.
Later that night, she would cry as she prepared herself to end this all.
For the rest of his life, he would forever remember this piece of conversation, as it festers like a wound in his mind.
Fate as it would have it, would twist again.
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